Jan. 16th, 2013

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It was a rather expensive holiday season, though not because of conventional gift-buying. To Declan and Bastian, it was a huge Christmas, what with me moving back into the house. For those of you not in the know, here is a quickie sum-up: Sarah asked for a divorce back in October of 2011, I moved out in February of last year, and we'd done a decent job of dividing time with the kids. There have certainly been a number of bumps along the way, ideas of co-parenting, the boys' adjusting, even views of how each other is living their lives, but we've done an ok job of communicating what and when as necessary, and moving on with our lives.

When it comes to my choice to move back in, it boils down to a few things. Her relationship with the boys, and the house they lived in, were falling apart, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to try to handle things from a distance. Although I loved living on my own, and was doing fine in that regard, the boys weren't happy, and seeing the situation they were in, I wasn't happy, either. I moved back in to provide consistency, and stability, for my sons, and to make sure that all the work that I do, and have done, for myself and for them, doesn't get thrown away. I made it clear to Sarah and the boys that I was moving back in as a housemate, not that we were getting back together, and everyone has been on board. For those of you who know me, I have a nasty habit of playing the martyr, and taking care of everyone else, except myself, and this is a big, red flag to anyone that I'm falling back into old habits. I agree that this could end up just that way, but I've learned and grown a LOT in the last 2 years, and have done a pretty good job of seeing the flags, and doing something about them. The boys have been so happy since I moved in, and things have already started to change for the better, and I've still kept in touch with people, still been doing things for myself, and Sarah and I have been able to be housemates, and to be better in co-parenting.

In other news, yes, Danielle and I are no longer together. This summer, I got invited to, and went to, Transformus, going to a burn when I wasn't ready, emotionally, mentally, or physically, and I was a really selfish fuck, and hurt a few people. Danielle was one of those people, and while we made up, it was never the same. A situation came up a few months later, and while I wasn't being selfish nor cruel, I wasn't as communicative with Danielle as I should have, given the recent past, and she took things further than she should have, and it was one thing too many, for both of us. She had expectations of our relationship that I was never going to be able to fulfill. I couldn't help her to gain the closure from her past relationship, couldn't erase the bad memories, couldn't surpass her past with him. For my part, I am also damaged goods, being a divorced father of two, building an entirely new life, and can only give so much to any relationship, with loads of communication issues from that marriage. That alone may have doomed our relationship in any case(I >think< we could have worked it through, my own madness, notwithstanding), and although we tried hard to overcome the expectations, we both failed. I miss her a lot, and love her a lot, and I hope that at some point we can have some sort of friendship, at least.

After using the last month recuperating from the move, the expenditures, as well as the holiday, I have been getting back into spending time out of the house. Hanging out with people such as Tim, Jessica, Michaela, and the new baby, Janiene, Lydia, Clove, Deedra & Amy, and others, all has been wonderful. The last couple of years has really taught me the difference between friends, acquaintances, and people I'd rather not be around, as well as what is MY responsibility, and what is THEIRS.

I've also been getting more deeply involved in the Atlanta urban exploration scene. I've always loved crawling and climbing around abandoned places, warehouses, homes, barns, amusement parks, etc., and especially as a photographer, the whole ethos of photograph all, but touch nothing(paraphrasing), takes it up a level. As a kid, I would climb through the skeletons of houses being built, up and down trees, through drainage tunnels, caves, you name it. This, to me, is a natural extension of scratching that itch.

As far as the Atlanta burn scene goes, I pick and choose what little I get involved in with that, nowadays. I've gone to a couple of things, events I normally haven't gone to in the past, and it's been really good to get out of the normal zone of people I've been involved in. Outside of Atlanta, this summer showed me that I had a lot of shit to work through before I go back to a burn. This year, I have only planned to go to Reclaimation, up in Kentucky, but I may not go to a burn at all, and just go anywhere, get out and see more of the nation at large. I haven't done that in a long time.

So, a lot that has happened, a lot more than I've even begun here, and this year is going to be INTERESTING.


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